Zoo Station

On my very first day on ZS, back in 2003, I had blogged my general annoyance with airplane announcements that were fundamentally rubbish, especially the one about landing on water. I just noticed the Economist had picked up on the theme a couple of issues with a hilarious editorial about Veritas Airlines, the hypothetical airline that tells you like it is, minus the egregiouos bullshit we all have put up with, at some time or another.

At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft's navigation systems. At least, that's what you've always been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with mobile networks on the ground, but somehow that doesn't sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all, if you think about it. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

That's exactly right. When will the airlines finally learn to spare us the BS? And while we're at it, will someone please petition the airlines to let us carry alcohol on board again? The wine in India is good, but not anywhere near as good as the stuff from France, California, South Africa etc. Thank you.